Courage? or a Fool

Do you think that in order to be brave, you must be fearless? Is charging in the hail of gunfire bravery? I say no. Bravery only comes with fear, for to show bravery we must over come the fear. Those who are fearless are fools, those who can not reason or take care of themselves. Do you think I, Leon, is a fool? or someone who can step up for what you believe in, and at the least try to overcome the fear.

I want to share a little story from my past, that I am rather a shamed of, but it's a no biggy. This story goes back just couple months to last December in the talent show. I actually presented with Michael (the 1991 guy), Alvin Y, Daniel P, Justin Kim, and myself. I know not many of you would have noticed, but I personality actually changed around sixth grade. I didn't notice, not until one of my friends mentioned it. I looked back and it was true. I came to TCIS in 4th grade, and I had Mrs.Wood and then Mrs.Carbloom (did I spell her name right?;;;) as my teacher, and even till then I never cared about what other people said about me, and I never had trouble of getting along people. I would walk up to a stage and blow horrible notes from my trumpet and walk down without a second thought, or getting embarraced. I actually used to be pretty popular among my friends before I came to this school, and made up to the last round on class representative vote in korean school in 1st, 2nd, and 3rd grade (which is kinda sad..).

Starting of six grade, out class must've what, doubled? Probably closer to trippled. And I tryed to get along with everybody, but in the end, as it turned out I was teased. Its just that kind of part of life, and it wasn't just me and (This section has been post-edited by the original author due to its contents. Contact leopartguard@hotmail.com) Sarcastic remarks on almost every statement I said, or just simiple thing as responses in small chats. During that time I had to adjust and learn of ways to deal with it, and beginning of 7th grade, I tryed to physically shut people up whenever those kind of statements were made, and to those who I couldn't force them to, I took it with their parents. The teasing and things came to an end. But so did my old self. The thing must have gotten stuck with me, and now whenever I hear such remarks I act rather violently or physically. This was the moment I began to care what people said and how I performed when it came for other people to assess me.

So since than, I became very sensitive in those matters, and whenever I performed something in public or something that would affect people's thoughts, I would become very, very, nervous. Even simple things as playing my trumpet in Band class in spot checks. When I am told to play certain parts, I screw up even on the simplest of melodies. In another word, I was scared to take chances when it came to that kind of matter. Then here came Daniel who asked me if we should do a talentshow, and it ended up with me saying yes. I had to overcome that fear of people's conception and before I knew it, it was over. I did mess up - bad. But from then the amount I cared for those kind of events was lessened. It still gives me butterflies in my stomach whenever it comes to such events, but I can deal with it. I had fear, and I over came it.

Well, thesedays I think I'm getting along fine, and you know I think that time in 6th grade was just that time in life, and I'm over it. The thing with 'violence' is still there, but these days i've been working on getting rid of it. I am happy to say that I am happy, and life goes on. I think this blogging went just longer than I intended, but if you intend to leave any comments, please mind reading the whole thing^^.

By the way next time I'm going to write about my deepest secret ever, so please intend on stopping by again. and It does help to have some music going while you read this. Try today's music!